Skip to main content

a wonderful kind of nothing



This is a meme I came across recently, which for a brief moment flung me into a state of total euphoric peace, which feels a lot like... nothing actually, even after being "flung", and I have to be flung into peace. No joke. Could partially be the Gemini in me, but I need more than a gentle push or a light shove, or a mediation video, or a great chill your tits book or a meme. I need fulfillment. Peace is the end goal and as screwy as that might sound (in my own head) it sounds more honest than claiming it to be any other way - to be content, settled. I'm not. I never have been. I wouldn't be an artist if I was. But, I feel like we're taught or we're wired to think we have to be all these things and we have to do it with a sense of urgency and obligation. On the daily too, especially when things get hard. Calm down. Someone says to me. Relax. No. I'd rather write. Or paint... create something, anything. Art needs chaos, not a nap. Not contentment. I wrote my best songs when I was sad. I wrote my best stories when I was broken. Still do...

All my life, all I've ever wanted is success in the utmost extraordinary, creative ways - ways I have yet to fully inhibit or even discover. To be at peace would contradict the process of elimination that I wield daily in this monotonous, yet stimulating evolution I call understanding who and what I am not. It's the only way I'll ever know who and what I am. I'm still learning. I've got a hundred years, if I'm super lucky. What's the rush, right?

Or, maybe there is a rush... something rushing through me. I do know I have nothing to lose and that I must of swallowed my pride in a past life. It has it's pros and cons.

But back to that quote and the "euphoric peace" I was flung into like a maniac. I felt a wonderful kind of nothing... if there is such a thing, which I think there is because nothing is something. And...

"Trust me, I' know what I'm doing" says the one and only universe. Or is it? It's a very powerful and yet very forgettable quote. I tapped that heart. But there's just so many posts and so little time, so maybe that "euphoric peace" I felt was really just me getting it... for once, for twice, for the millionth time. Remembering it. Trusting it. Believing it. Then forgetting it because I logged off Instagram and started worrying about everything. #forgettable Because most things are until you come across that something that isn't. It resonates. It stays with you. It's usually not a meme either. It's not a quote. It's not a video. It's something else... it's someone... like myself.

And it's coincidental.

Then I remember: The universe knows what she's doing. Yes, she's a she because she's brilliant and puzzling and strange and unclear and mysterious and cryptic and vocal and silent. So many things I've asked for, yet so little retort. Unanswered prayers. Unanswered everything. And yet, she know's what she's doing. She has a mind of her own. And I can't read it. I've tried. The wonderful kind of nothing she gives you when you want it is... spell bounding. Breath taking. She makes you work... for your dreams... for your truth... for your purpose... for your freedom... for your sanity until you question it. Totally and completely. She'll make you question everything. Then she'll cleverly guide you to your someone who will question everything with you. And love you...  And that wonderful kind of nothing, becomes... something.

Then everything.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

my own hero

I just realized I've been away for over a year, and for nearly a year I've been back in Los Angeles...living and working harder than I've ever worked in my wildest days. I wrote a tv show about my life ... and some big things are happening right now.  I just wanted to share something very personal... about myself. Per usual, but this time I'm taking you and myself back to where it all began - to the day I died so that the hero in me...  could be conceived .  I went to 17 schools as a kid, and that’s not counting community college. I failed the first grade because I was unable to focus past the gnarly curveballs that life had already started throwing at me. I sat alone at the lunch table in 5th grade every single day while resisting a strong urge to cry just long enough to get home, where I could sob in the privacy of my own bedroom, where I spent most of my time writing to escape the loneliness that was my actual life. In 9th grade, I sat outside with a p

you can

Letting go... It's not just something we do with our stuff, it's a way of life. It's a balancing act. Oh but it's not act. It's a choice. A daily one.  I coach people through the process of "purging". I've been told that just my presence alone has helped these individuals finally make a choice. Keep. Don't Keep. Shred. Donate. TRASH. And oh how liberating the trash CAN, can be. Even the word encompasses self empowerment.  You  can throw out what isn't working for you anymore. The thing is, we don't think we can and understanding this folly is the our first step toward change. Changing our minds, to be more exacting. Our mind is the problem. Did you know that? Well, it is.  One of my favorite quotes is; "If you think you can, you can." ~Meryl Streep.  It worked for her didn't it? She must have thought eons ago; I can be an actress. I can be a very successful one too!  And viola! Oh but it's not that easy.  Meryl Streep was

Burn

Them: Don’t burn bridges.   Me: I’ll blow a muthafuckin bridge up. And the flames will light the way... I deal with more let downs than I can count on one hundred and fifty hands. Lifetimes of let downs - as a creative, as a dreamer. As person. And yes, I’ve become more and more vocal because of it. And that’s pretty damn vocal considering I was born vocal. But, because I was silenced as a child (told to “shut the fuck up” every time I used my voice to speak my mind) my voice as a woman, is well, really loud. This doesn’t mean I’m screaming at everyone. It just means I’m not afraid to be myself and speak my mind. I’ll say the things most people will only think to themselves and I have no shame. For anyone who thinks I’m inferior to them be it personal or in my career fields (also personal), my torch is lit. I am important. I am inferior to no one. And neither are you. And yes, this spawns from a recent let down.  Though, the smoke has cleared. 💅🏽 And the funny thing is, it’s be