Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn

Friday, September 19, 2014

Just know

Live in the know. 

Know that you're being guided. Know that there is something to learn from every experience and every relationship. Know there's a lesson. Know that everyone has a purpose in your life, whether they come and go or stick around till the end. Know that there's a truth in every matter. Know that you can always start over. Know that every new day is a fresh start. Know that you have a purpose in this world, even if you don't know what that purpose is. Know that one day you will know. Know that life is a journey. Know that life is short, so enjoy it because nothing lasts forever except the memories you leave behind. Know you are memorable. Know you are beautiful. Know you are powerful and brilliant. Know that you are loved. Know that you are big. Know that you are small. Know that you can change everything simply by changing the way you think about everything. Know that you can help change the world. Know that you are that incredible. Know that you are enough. Know that you are stronger than you think you are. Know that you are a light source that can shed light on other lives, inspiring and healing others. Know that you are a healer. Know you are a friend. Know that you can increase your sense of knowing by leaning on love, rather than fear. Know that love is what you were born with. Fear is what you learned here. Know you can let it all go...Know.

Just know.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

break through

I got away from my blog for a few months because I've been working on a film for the past year and a half. I just finished directing, producing and starring in my first original short film. I spent over a year writing the feature and then adapted it into a short-trailer. I had the time of my life writing this story and taking so many leaps of faith - meeting so many new and wonderfully talented people. And now I'm excited to be onto the next step forward as a film maker, as a human being, and I'm grateful for the journey it's been thus far, and for the journey it will be. Words do not even begin to really describe how I feel about my life.

Although, there is one word that can describe this feeling, this experience and every experience on that note. And that word is Trust.

To release the urge to contend with life as it is, is to trust. To resist that urge and simply allow rather than refuse is to trust. By opposing what is or what potentially will be, could be, might be, should be, we become contrary to everything - love, peace, understanding, acceptance, new beginnings. You name it. But by allowing life events to unfold as they do in accordance to something greater than our self, without kicking and screaming, we start to make great use of what we've got, rather than not. And what we've got is the power to press on and reclaim our life, our hope and our vitality. We become acquainted with the truth at this given point, and the truth is: It is as what it is. So, let it be. You're not as almighty as you think you are. You are very powerful, but there is still something more divine than the clever chaos stirring in that mind of yours, motivating your every move. What's meant to be will be. And having a sense of trust in something fantastic is helpful. It's a shoulder to lean on. It might even be your own shoulder, but when our trust does set in, it sets on our hearts and it glows like the sun dazzling on an autumn eve. It's magnificent.

And whether you're investing your certitude in God, or energy, or affirmations, or love, or just yourself alone, or all the above, or just a few, trusting that bigger reign gives that bigger reign something to work with - some wiggle room per say. It's like saying; "Okay, I'm ready for you!". Without hope and confidence, divine intervention cannot intervene nor can it thrive. Personally, I think our spirit or our higher self, or our God, needs us just as much as we need it, so making room for "the intervention" is the key. It's also my religion. Everything else is merely commentary.

It's not an easy way in either, nor is it an easy way out because once you're in there is no "out". But you have to break in like a thief in the night. You have to kick in the door and bust open the window to your soul. You have to rob yourself blind of all hope and all presumed identities until all you can see is YOU. Stripped down naked. Empty. Broken. Open. Hopeless and compelled. Now you're in.

But you have to break down before you breakthrough. I heard Gabrielle Bernstein say that. And this is where our humility kicks in...and it kicks hard. But before it kicks (us right in the ass), we kick and we scream and we cry, and then we pray, or we don't pray. Then we try to fix everything our self. We think we can change everything by changing everyone. Then that doesn't work. So, cue the break down. And be it nervous or emotional, or psycho, it can break us all the way down. And for some of us this is the point of no return. We thought we were the master of our destiny, and we are in a way. So, why the shitty fate? Why the no return policy? Because the breakthrough is still to come.

You see...destiny is forever just like diamonds. Our fate, on the other hand is provisional. It can twist and turn. It can flip us upside down and chew us up and spit us out. Fate can spin us around in circles.  And round and round we go as history repeats itself as it does so well. But fate, no matter how grim, is also our skipper. She's our sea captain in a cosmic ocean of breakthroughs and revelations. She gets us back home where the heart. Where we're whole and happy.

After the break down.

Then we become the master of our destiny, indeed. I do believe in this vast concept, but this vast concept comes with a paradox or two, and they're alive and well. Break down. Break through. Break free! By allowing. Because it is what it is dammit! And it can suck major ass. So, deal with it...peacefully. Or don't and be unhappy.

I can't change what's beyond my control. Those are words I force feed myself when I've lost all my precious control. I can't force it. I can't chase it. I can't beg it. I can't fight it. I can't convince it to understand me. I can't hit it. But! I can let it go...or maybe I'll just let it be.

Let it be. Let it be. Let it be...let it be. Whisper words of wisdom. Let it be. Let it be. 

These three words + you = happiness. Cue the breakthrough.

Happiness is not overrated either. I don't care what they say, but it is a slippery lil sucker. Cue the escargot. Ha! Pretty Woman humor. Happiness is tricky! I've said this before, and though not an idea nor a true emotion, not if you ask me, happiness is a perceived, gustatory sensation in the mind and body. I'm no doctor, but I do know that emotions pass like scenery when cruising down a highway at rapid speeds. They come and go. They're high, they're low. Emotions are assholes. Happiness is not an asshole, and it's not designed to touch and go like a flighty jerk. Happiness isn't fly by the wind. Though it can be spontaneous, it's reliable. It's not ephemeral. It's everlasting.

But it's tricky! But it's not a trickster by any means. It's a saint, and not the Catholic kind. Unless they were happy. Who am I to judge a catholic saint? I'm just saying, when you're delighted to be alive and  a smile paints your face like a crazy Picasso while your heart sings a song that makes you want to dance, you are a saint too. With or without the rosary. All you really need is you to evolve in such a way.

And once you've got the whole "happy" thing figured out, you can take life by the balls because there's no fooling you. No person or circumstance can take your joy from you because you know too much. You know that cheerfulness and peace of mind haven't got a seat to sit on in a room where all of your emotions have gathered the way people do at a conference or a concert, or a baseball game. It's an emotional conference and it's always a game. Our emotions love games, there's no denying that. It's an ear-splitting concert where we've jammed earplugs into our ears and there's only one encore, maybe two if we beg for it. Then away you go. Back to your car. Back to your exhaustion. Back to your over-thinking, analyzing, planning, worrying, laughing, worrying, planning, drinking, moving too fast, moving too slow. It's a soap opera. It's Dr. Phil.

It's a bottle of wine.

Happiness on the other hand, isn't. It's not a show or an emotional whim, nor is it a buzz from a nice Cabernet. It's not obsession over anything. It's relaxation over nothing. It's simple. It needs nothing but you. Happiness is steady when achieved without force, and it can last forever. It's hard to believe, even for me, but this is a realization I've come to at this point in my funky life, and unhappiness has been my funky muse. Unhappiness is a douche but she makes for a great teacher. Unhappiness is like that hot school teacher who strips at night. Useful and yet so unfulfilled.

I think you have to be unhappy for long enough before you fully understand the power of pleasure and optimism. Now I'm not condoning misery, nor am I disregarding it. It's a part of life at some point for everyone. It's an emotion. It's an experience. It changes our life for the better or for the worse. It makes room for our fate to kick us in the face. But like I said earlier, fate can lead us to our destiny. After it kicks us in the face, we can reclaim our happiness despite how we feel because happiness is a mind set that defies our emotions and creates a shift in our consciousness, and in our life when we let it. When we allow it.

Happiness is a song, and that song is called..."Let it Be". Pure joy might even be our truest six sense, or our seventh sense. Either or.

I thought this thought while in the bathroom this morning: If it sparks in your heart, act on that instinct. The heart craves happiness, so happy you will be. But if it starts in your mind, resist the urge to over think it. Let it settle. Maybe re-consider. Adjust and start to trust by asking your heart a question or two, or forty. She's not as crazy as they say she is. The heart is instinctive. The mind is impulsive, but a change of mind is genius and a new perspective...well that's a miracle. And so is happiness.

Marianne Williamson makes a genius point in her reference to A Course In Miracles by saying; "Love is what we we're born with. Fear is what we learned here."

Love, let it be and be happy. Life is short.

Friday, April 25, 2014

martin, jen and john

Who needs a plan when you've got options.  -Jennifer Aniston

That just may be one of the greatest things ever said by an individual, if you ask me. Forget the plan! Pick and chose as you go. Picking and choosing implies an ability to establish and even pin point opportunities. You can create opportunities or 'options' by leaving your expectations at the curb. Expectations are like empty boxes sheathed in pretty wrapping paper. It's not so much a gift if you think about it, but more so a let down. Expectations are assumptions disguised as high hopes that ultimately mislead us. We look forward to the future, and that's great! But we do it with a game plan in mind - a scenario if you will. We might even call it a dream, or our truth, if you're the "out there" spiritual-digger type. That can translate to anyone. Spirituality is a mind set, not a religion. It's a lot of things, but I'm getting off subject.

Now back to the whole plan thing.

Our scenario, also known as our dream, or our truth, or our "way" is often of grave substance to our mind. It may even be very meaningful to us. It might be everything to us because our plan smells like fish frying. It taste like productivity, if productivity had a taste. It looks like irons in the fire. We're hot. We're busy. Our big sign reads "Occupied".  But of what value or use is our plan when we start boiling things down to the heart?

Does it take a plan to be happy? Does it take a plan to make a dream come true?

Let me start by asking another question. What is a dream when we're not asleep? And what the hell is a dream when we are asleep?? When I'm usurped by the witching hours - my body still, eyes are closed - I become a slave to the mystical me. My subconscious mind catapults me into a vatic world of prophecy, delusion, and psychotic abstractions. Sometimes I can't wake myself up from the far fetched dream world. I'm hog-tied to my sleep while I fly and panic because my teeth are falling out. My car breaks don't work. Someone died. I'm in a house that I grew up in...It's weird. To dream is to misplace myself in a garden variety of subconscious junk where I'm bounded to apparitions of wayward love and premonitions that are akin to my soul - somehow, someway. Then I replace myself and I dream a happier dream, and then I awaken to a new day and it starts all over again.

It's an escape. It's a forewarning. Dreams are messages when perceived more intently and when understood. But I don't understand, no...not completely. And what does all this dream talk have to do with a plan anyway?

Martin Luther King Jr. understood a thing or two, and I'm sure he had a plan or two. He definitely had a dream. He said it himself. "I have a dream." And he was a man with the fortitude to endure, firstly, a nightmare. Hatred came knocking on his visionary door. A racist refute pervaded and invaded, but he kept dreaming! And he awoke from the torment kicking and screaming. He kicked and hollered until he created a movement. Several movements prevailed actually, including Woman's Rights, as black woman begin engaging in the feminist movement. Things started to change for the better. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, and then he was murdered. RIP.

But, that wasn't his plan.

No one plans on being shot and killed. It may have been a tentative worry in his mind, or in anyone's mind whom may choose to tread the sterling path of revolutionary leadership, but it's never the plan. Martin Luther King Jr's plan was to combat racial inequality through nonviolence. He spoke for the people, by the people, and he made a stand...because he had a dream. I'm getting redundant. But it's the good kind of repetition. ;)

He had a dream. He had a dream. He had a dream. He had a dream. But is a dreamplan?

Maybe it's simply an option. And who needs a plan when you've got options?

Because if it's true, if we do actually have the power and the voice to chose our destiny and to live the life we dream about, then maybe our dream is just one of many destinies. We pick and chose as we go, right? And we live and learn. The dream is modified, it shifts. It changes and it distorts. And so do we. Maybe our "dream" is just an option that works, for now. A passionate one, yes. But passion doesn't require a plan.

So maybe our plan is just one of many let downs. It's that "gift" in that empty, but pretty gift wrapped box. It's a second thought. It's a thousand thoughts. It's a revision. A new course. Maybe The Plan is really just an opportunity to reconsider...our options.

Then we can dream!

"'Cause life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."  -John Lennon

"And you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."  -John Lennon

Love & Peace,

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

live free spider

When I'm upside down, 
I don't see the earth...I see the sky. 
And I remember that there are no limits.

My limits are fathered by my hesitations. The two are the same actually. And speaking of fathers, my own father fumbles in his unwillingness to whirl with this thing called "daughter". So, I am a woman who feels father-less for the most part, and even mother-less for the most part too. But I'm no victim to a juicy sob story. I'm grateful for it. It makes me who I am, and I'm no perfect world tucked into flesh and bones. I have just as many issues as the next weirdo. I just don't dwell on my issues, and when I do, I fucking hate life. So, it's better not to dwell. I strive to fry as many bigger fish as possible, although sometimes I catch myself fishing in a pretty small pond and I realize I need an ocean. Again, I've limited myself and it's defeating when unrecognized and/or denied. Oh, but I recognize it. I denied it for many years, but not anymore.

I caught her (me) red handed. Like a small and helpless little bug, I caught myself in my very own web of lies. I became my worst enemy - a spider. I hate spiders. I've started to notice my clever ways of spinning my webs too.

The creative lacework begins to twirl as I start to give my power away to a situation or to a person YET AGAIN. Rather than staying powerful and defying the circumstance via use of my innate power, I step down from my higher self and abdicate the only thing that's truly mine; my self-worth and my dignity. And that's exactly how I shackle myself to this shitty thing called unhappiness, and I fall victim to my own reticence. It only took me about 26 years to realize that. Moral to the story: I don't want to give my power away anymore. Nobody's worth the loss it entails. I lose everything that matters most when I sacrifice my value, my purpose, and my integrity to an asshole and/or an asshole environment. And there is such a thing as a plain 'ol asshole. I don't care how spiritual you are.

And I'm an advocate for love and compassion. I believe that love is the answer, absolutely, so I'll give my love away, but not my power. The two are not the same.

Love is power when the power is still yours to love.

Now back to my point from earlier. Everyone's pretty screwed up for the most part, unless you're a saint, and you're probably not, and I don't know any saints. So, we've all got issues. So, mom or dad, ex, Joe, or Schmoe...I take it with a grain of salt. (On most days.) I have my off days. I will admit, movies like The English Patient and Father of the Bride or anything or anyone else promoting steamy, passionate love or a father's love for his daughter does draw tears to my eyes. But hey, I'm only human sometimes and sometimes I just want to cry and boohoo over my daddy issues and/or all my traumatically failed relationships. Fortunately those emotional downfalls are short-lived and few and far between. And fortunately I've moved on too! (For the most part) You never really forget the ones you loved, but life does go on...when you stop to notice.

And I've noticed that I really just want to laugh. I'd rather laugh than cry on any day. Crying is too depressing, though it can be very healing and cleansing at times, it's just so damn heavy. I want to lighten up! So, dear Life of mine, please make me laugh at the stupid shit that brings me down. Please help me to see things differently. I think that'll make me free-er. And speaking of freedom, there is none to be had when hesitating because reluctance is the by-product of fear, and FEAR is all in the mind. And the mind...well that's wheels within wheels. The mind is one big difficulty interlaced with something convoluted. It struggles to outweigh our emotions with too much thought causing us to abandon our hearts and souls like orphaned children. So, our True Self is an orphan. She sings like little Annie. "Tomorrow, tomorrow... I'll love you tomorrow."

We'll love our self tomorrow. We'll love someone else tomorrow. We'll love our life tomorrow. We'll get to it tomorrow. As for today, we'll get nowhere. Today we'll find something to cry over, or an excuse or a person to hide behind. Today we'll find a reason to be lost, unfulfilled, and confused until we parent ourselves back to our true self, back to our soul and our true purpose in this life. Once an orphan, now you're a soldier of love! You're a fountainhead designing your destiny. But, you have to give yourself a home first, because home is where your heart is, and only you can find that place within.

So, it's not about our mother and/or our father, and what they did (or) didn't do, or couldn't do. It's not about the one who "got away" either, or the one who broke our heart. It's not about the mind because our mind too often tells us a lie. It's about the truth. And the truth is: Where we go from here is a mystery. So, appreciate your life. LIVE YOUR LIFE. LIVE YOUR DREAMS, whatever your dreams may be. 

Because if all life is truly just a stage, then life is not a cage. So, don't imprison yourself. Don't limit yourself.  Just dance and sing, or just smile and live FREE...spider.

Upside down. Inside out. Do what makes you free.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Anything that's everything.

If there's anything that's everything, it's our instincts.

Instincts are everything. When we're being lead by our instincts, it's not so much an intellectual idea, but more so just a visceral and trusting gut feeling. It's when we stop questioning everything and everyone, and angst and fear are not huge issues for us anymore. And if they are, they subside soon than later. And life goes on.

But...if our first thought stems from logic, on the other hand, or intellect, or our pained-past (or) our "fishy" future, or even a hunger for perfection (according to our human definition), or a propensity for self-gain and/or sabotage, then our ideas and beliefs propel more from our heads, LESS from our instincts. Then the migraine kicks in...and then the anxiety. Yada yada.

I felt inspired to share after watching a cool video this morning on instincts vs. thoughts and ideas.


Sunday, January 19, 2014

Make me.


Don't give me. MAKE me. 

Even if you have to break me. Make me what I have to be in order to live this life to the fullest. Break me again if you have to. Just don't give me. Don't give me excuses. Don't give me a reason. Just make me do it. Don't give me potential. Don't give me time. Make me powerful...Right Now. Make me magical in this very moment. Don't give me peace. Make me fight for peace. And make me peaceful. Don't give me hope. Make me Trust, and make me trusting. Make me a warrior in my solitude. Make me take nothing for granted. Make me take nothing from anyone. Make me. Break me if you have to. Just don't give me. Don't give me anything. Instead, make me Everything. Then make me OWN it. That way nothing can take it from me. Please, and thank you.

~Me, making a few small requests this morning amidst a lovely chat with my heart. She's a good friend of mine. (Usually.)

Monday, January 13, 2014

Less is more.

Don't think less of yourself. Just think of yourself...less. 
C.S. Lewis said something like that. It's indispensable, earth shattering advice. I also think it's a prescription for our well being, especially for those who are extremely sensitive like myself. I can be sensitive to a fault - insecurity kicks in and I'm totally defeated. Pause. Rewind. That didn't work. Start over. Not to say that 'sensitivity' is a bad thing. It's a beautiful thing, but being easily affected by everything and/or everyone has its repercussions. Regret is one of them. Anger is another. So, balance and a sense of self and self worth are significant. Confidence is the word. Compassion is the other word, and so is 'Patience'. (Which I need more of) Once you have those things, you can focus on others and think of yourself...less. Step out of your shoes and step into their shoes. Or, don't wear any shoes. Says the yogi. Just breath. Just be. And smile cause you're still alive. And that's good enough, when you really think about it. 


Friday, January 3, 2014


"Dear Human: You’ve got it all wrong. 

You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty.”

~ Courtney A. Walsh

Thank you Courtney. Love love what you say and how you think. Brilliant! Love doesn't require the condition of perfection. Just show up! Just love. Leave all the conditions and un-conditions at the door, 'cause in a room filled with love... anything can happen. ANYTHING. The lights could go off. The lights could stay on. One candle might burn and you could be the only one in there. Alone you are. Where the hell did everyone go??? Hello? The room is quite or the room is loud. Music might play while the whole world surrounds you. Alone you are not. Hello crowd! Now where are the ones I love? Who are all these people? Do they love me? They must. In a room filled with love, anything can happen and anyone can show up. So, just do your best while you're in there. If it hurts...let it hurt and then do your best to let it GO. And when you leave that room once filled with love, find another room...and fill it with love. No matter who's in there. 

Then let it be. Let it flow. Set it free. Let it go. And let love do what it does. Happy NEW YEAR to you. May this new era fill all your rooms and all your spaces, all your thoughts, and all your traces with love, peace, fortune, health and forgiveness.** 

It's January 3rd, day three of the new calendar dawn. I was thinking about something today, actually I was thinking about multiple things today - hundreds of things to be exact. I was thinking. Not only do I, too, believe that love is plenty, as worded above beautifully by Courtney Walsh, I also believe that love resolves everything - our inner conflicts, our impudence. Our anger if you will. Call me a hippy, or call me redundant. I know it's been said before, but it can't be said enough! Love resolves EVERYTHING! But there's caveat. Love resolves everything, but only on the inside. Sadly, the L-word (Love, not the drama series) has yet to resolve everything on the outside. Thus, mother earth is weeping and so are a lot of broken, sick and lonely people out there. But, there's hope! When we know how insanely powerful we are, when we realize our innate capacity to create and destroy, then there's hope.

You see....hope is often a child. She relies on us completely, as though we're all a mother...even if we're not. Hope takes us by the hand and smiles as she glances up, for she has made us taller - more insightful, more self-aware. We look down...and we see the sky. 

We look down and see a sky of hope.  

And while nestled in the blue, we see the white and bright light as we realize our power to CREATE. And then we fully understand our power to DESTROY. And we shy away from neither. Rather, we embrace these two innate and essential natures because they're ours...for the taking. These are our internal ingredients for our life. Create or Destroy? That is the question. And those are our options.

Love is tucked somewhere in between.

We can create opportunities and we can create the life we REALLY want for ourself. Or, we can create chaos and a life we don't want. And when we do, we can destroy it. We can destroy what destroys us...even if we created it. 

Thus, we blame no one for our chaos, we're responsible for our actions, and we're in control of our lives. 

Mix that with love, and you've got plenty.

Love, Light, Peace and Newness to you.
~Anne-Marie Pauley