If you could go back in time, however long ago - maybe you want to be three again and debt free, mom and dad still together, or maybe you want to be twenty four again so you can dodge that awful romance, the one that stole your faith in love, would you? Would you change everything if you could? Maybe just one thing. Maybe you wished you could go back fifteen years ago just so you could stop yourself from making that decision that flipped your life upside down - turned you inside out with your heart bleeding all over your shirt. Or maybe it was a decision that birthed the boredom that is... your life. Life can be quite boring - adventure less, mundane. And we only have ourselves to blame. That doesn't make you a victim though. It just makes you aware.
Your life is your creation. That doesn't void God. I believe God is extremely real, but you are the reason for your cans and cants, your yes's and no's. God is the outcome. You can react however you chose to the God-outcome, but if resentment, anger, and/or boredom are any of your emotional reflex's, then I can assure you God is not the reason. I've learned to stop blaming God for my downfalls. God doesn't punish. Though contrary to many religious suspicions, he doesn't. God is love, not punishment and surely not hate.
It's our life that teaches us how not to hate and how to love. Like God. So, if you were to wake up twenty years ago what would you change? What would you do differently in order to love yourself differently - to love yourself more. Other then change your mood of course, because I'm sure a slight to severe panic would occur if you were to actually wake up twenty years younger and know it. Wait a hot sec... I'm forty, so why am I twenty??! Sounds like a movie to me.
But, lets just say it happened. We're not watching a movie. You've actually been given a second chance at doing things a little differently, or profoundly differently on that note. Do you go that job you went to twenty years ago, talk to that person you talked to twenty years ago? The one you met in a cooking class or whatever class. Maybe you met in line at a Starbucks. Do you go to that Starbucks, knowing he or she will be there? FYI. This is the person you fell madly in love with, the one you maybe married and divorced in a heart beat. The one that destroyed your assets, your confidence and your family. Maybe you worked with this person at that job you hated. Maybe you're still in love with this person, married happily ever after. I don't know. It's your past.
So, do you get up and go to work or do you sleep in and say fuck it! That job ruined me. It held me back from doing the things I really wanted to do. I met that asshole at that job and that asshole broke my heart, took my kids. Or that asshole wasn't an asshole at all, maybe that asshole is your sweetheart today. Twenty years and counting. Maybe that job that ruined your life because it was so freaking boring only happened so you'd meet the love of your life. Would you still sleep in and say fuck that boring job, if you could go back and do things differently?
Maybe you blow off the job and surprise the love of your life at their favorite bar or at their home instead, because you already know where they like to drink and where they live because you've already lived these years. But how do you explain the unexplainable to the love of your life. Who's to say they're on a blast to the past. This is your sacred experience - your chance at changing everything, not theirs. So, he or she doesn't know you yet. Trippy right? So, what do you do? How do you explain to your love that you already know what happens? Because it's already happened. The eventual divorce. The kids. The inability to have kids. The pain. Maybe the death. The love.
So, maybe you do get out of bed and go to that job you hate to meet the one you loved and divorced to have those kids you had, or didn't have - to have that partnership you maybe still have today with your soul mate, your best friend. Maybe you stand in line at that Starbucks knowing you'll meet them there and have your first, unexpected coffee date. You'll laugh together and plan a second date, but to a movie this time and your favorite sushi joint. It's the one date you never forgot about. Maybe you attend that class, the one where you met that person you loved and maybe still love. And maybe, if given the chance to go back in time, you'd do it all over again.... but just the same. Maybe you wouldn't change anything at all. Not even your biggest "mistakes", your deepest heartbreaks.
Because it was perfect the way it was. It made you.... you. And that's the best thing that ever happened.