Skip to main content

a wonderful kind of nothing



This is a meme I came across recently, which for a brief moment flung me into a state of total euphoric peace, which feels a lot like... nothing actually, even after being "flung", and I have to be flung into peace. No joke. Could partially be the Gemini in me, but I need more than a gentle push or a light shove, or a mediation video, or a great chill your tits book or a meme. I need fulfillment. Peace is the end goal and as screwy as that might sound (in my own head) it sounds more honest than claiming it to be any other way - to be content, settled. I'm not. I never have been. I wouldn't be an artist if I was. But, I feel like we're taught or we're wired to think we have to be all these things and we have to do it with a sense of urgency and obligation. On the daily too, especially when things get hard. Calm down. Someone says to me. Relax. No. I'd rather write. Or paint... create something, anything. Art needs chaos, not a nap. Not contentment. I wrote my best songs when I was sad. I wrote my best stories when I was broken. Still do...

All my life, all I've ever wanted is success in the utmost extraordinary, creative ways - ways I have yet to fully inhibit or even discover. To be at peace would contradict the process of elimination that I wield daily in this monotonous, yet stimulating evolution I call understanding who and what I am not. It's the only way I'll ever know who and what I am. I'm still learning. I've got a hundred years, if I'm super lucky. What's the rush, right?

Or, maybe there is a rush... something rushing through me. I do know I have nothing to lose and that I must of swallowed my pride in a past life. It has it's pros and cons.

But back to that quote and the "euphoric peace" I was flung into like a maniac. I felt a wonderful kind of nothing... if there is such a thing, which I think there is because nothing is something. And...

"Trust me, I' know what I'm doing" says the one and only universe. Or is it? It's a very powerful and yet very forgettable quote. I tapped that heart. But there's just so many posts and so little time, so maybe that "euphoric peace" I felt was really just me getting it... for once, for twice, for the millionth time. Remembering it. Trusting it. Believing it. Then forgetting it because I logged off Instagram and started worrying about everything. #forgettable Because most things are until you come across that something that isn't. It resonates. It stays with you. It's usually not a meme either. It's not a quote. It's not a video. It's something else... it's someone... like myself.

And it's coincidental.

Then I remember: The universe knows what she's doing. Yes, she's a she because she's brilliant and puzzling and strange and unclear and mysterious and cryptic and vocal and silent. So many things I've asked for, yet so little retort. Unanswered prayers. Unanswered everything. And yet, she know's what she's doing. She has a mind of her own. And I can't read it. I've tried. The wonderful kind of nothing she gives you when you want it is... spell bounding. Breath taking. She makes you work... for your dreams... for your truth... for your purpose... for your freedom... for your sanity until you question it. Totally and completely. She'll make you question everything. Then she'll cleverly guide you to your someone who will question everything with you. And love you...  And that wonderful kind of nothing, becomes... something.

Then everything.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My story. My song...and my prayer for life, forever.

"Angel Out There" ...this is a song I wrote when I was nineteen years old. I remember I was lying on the floor in some disheveled bedroom that had been converted into a low rent, in-home recording studio. It was late that night, my head had collapsed into both of my hands and I felt my mind imploding inside of my bleached blond head. I was pensive and thinking to myself...will I ever make it? I had written at least fifty songs by the time I was nineteen. I wrote and recorded my first original song during the summer of '97, just before 9th grade. I was fourteen. I even managed to give Garth Brooks a copy of my demo a year later, in 1998. Garth was in Phoenix playing baseball during spring training, I lived in Phoenix. I had two original songs on a demo back then, I was so proud of myself and I was on this incredible and confident, victorious high. I was ready to rock the world! It's funny looking back, I was so incredibly ambitious as a kid, it blows me away when I ...
5 comments
Read more

right here where you are.

 "You have the power to bless your own life. Nobody can do it for you." -My Kundalini yoga teacher. Mantra: Today offers us some sort of opportunity, and life is beautiful. My mantra for survival. 6 days ago... Only minutes ago mid grind, an assisting voice with no name, physical attributes, or visible location, spoke to me, kind of like a wizard. I felt like Dorothy. I felt inspired by this vibration so seasonably articulated. I felt crazy. But hey, I'm never gonna survive unless I get a little crazy right? So, I get a little crazy. I can hardly help it. I want to know what "not crazy" means anyways. I have yet to discover it's opaque definition, and no one whom I've crossed paths with has yet to define it's meaning for me. And it's funny to me, because this is the typically and more commonly assumed, preempt, most fitting character trait: to be not crazy. It's coveted. It's preferred. It's poli...
2 comments
Read more

the show

We're not big and we're not small because who we are can't be measured or compared, not with anyone or anything or any other life out there. We don't have edges, we're not a cliff off a canyon. We don't have sides, we're not a box. We don't have walls. And anyone who tries to climb over yours has surely lost their way because there is no wall to climb. There is just... you. Sad you. Happy you. Hurt you. Brave you. Honest you. Broken you. Angry you. Lonely you. Enthralled you. Fantastic... you. You're not an object, and though you may feel objectified and on edge, boxed into a life you didn't want, you're actually a platform. You were built by the mercy of your own will to carry on, to keep dancing - to keep smiling because darling, this is theatre!!! And all life is a stage and you're on it. You decide if the show must go on. And the show must go on. We don't choose this life, you see. It chooses us like a stylist chooses our dress, o...
Post a Comment
Read more