Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

a wonderful kind of nothing

This is a meme I came across recently, which for a brief moment flung me into a state of total euphoric peace, which feels a lot like... nothing actually, even after being "flung", and I have to be flung into peace. No joke. Could partially be the Gemini in me, but I need more than a gentle push or a light shove, or a mediation video, or a great chill your tits book or a meme. I need fulfillment. Peace is the end goal and as screwy as that might sound (in my own head) it sounds more honest than claiming it to be any other way - to be content, settled. I'm not. I never have been. I wouldn't be an artist if I was. But, I feel like we're taught or we're wired to think we have to be all these things and we have to do it with a sense of urgency and obligation. On the daily too, especially when things get hard. Calm down. Someone says to me. Relax. No. I'd rather write. Or paint... create something, anything. Art needs chaos, not a nap. Not contentment. I wrote my best songs when I was sad. I wrote my best stories when I was broken. Still do...

All my life, all I've ever wanted is success in the utmost extraordinary, creative ways - ways I have yet to fully inhibit or even discover. To be at peace would contradict the process of elimination that I wield daily in this monotonous, yet stimulating evolution I call understanding who and what I am not. It's the only way I'll ever know who and what I am. I'm still learning. I've got a hundred years, if I'm super lucky. What's the rush, right?

Or, maybe there is a rush... something rushing through me. I do know I have nothing to lose and that I must of swallowed my pride in a past life. It has it's pros and cons.

But back to that quote and the "euphoric peace" I was flung into like a maniac. I felt a wonderful kind of nothing... if there is such a thing, which I think there is because nothing is something. And...

"Trust me, I' know what I'm doing" says the one and only universe. Or is it? It's a very powerful and yet very forgettable quote. I tapped that heart. But there's just so many posts and so little time, so maybe that "euphoric peace" I felt was really just me getting it... for once, for twice, for the millionth time. Remembering it. Trusting it. Believing it. Then forgetting it because I logged off Instagram and started worrying about everything. #forgettable Because most things are until you come across that something that isn't. It resonates. It stays with you. It's usually not a meme either. It's not a quote. It's not a video. It's something else... it's someone... like myself.

And it's coincidental.

Then I remember: The universe knows what she's doing. Yes, she's a she because she's brilliant and puzzling and strange and unclear and mysterious and cryptic and vocal and silent. So many things I've asked for, yet so little retort. Unanswered prayers. Unanswered everything. And yet, she know's what she's doing. She has a mind of her own. And I can't read it. I've tried. The wonderful kind of nothing she gives you when you want it is... spell bounding. Breath taking. She makes you work... for your dreams... for your truth... for your purpose... for your freedom... for your sanity until you question it. Totally and completely. She'll make you question everything. Then she'll cleverly guide you to your someone who will question everything with you. And love you...  And that wonderful kind of nothing, becomes... something.

Then everything.

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