There's got to be more to my life than this...right? What the f***'s going on? God...?
We've all bantered and hypothesized these ambrosial and concerning thoughts, maybe even on a daily basis too. Whether we're lying unsettled in our beds gazing at our truthful highest point, that unearthly point we reach when our pensive and despondent soul kicks our own ass, or delightfully curbing our senses in the oblivion of the night, our reassurance does depress and dismantle itself consistently, and we have each other to thank for that. Sabotage is something we primal and emotional dysfunctionalists, also known as "people", master at a very early age. I think I was three when someone really pissed me off for the first time. I cried and ran to my mommy, or I ran away from my mommy. It's one or the other. I was angry and powerless, much like many of us here on this hoity-toity, misery-inflated, huge balloon thingy we call "Earth". Although, the angry buck doesn't stop at early childhood. "Childhood" is more like a neighborhood where some of us live forever, comfortable and exceptionally bored by a lack of excitement and enthusiasm due to a lack of imperative, personal growth. When we don't grow, and instead we act like a child through the course of our entire life, we don't discover our wisdom. Wisdom is the strength to carry on and to tread forward through that endless, forsaken tunnel where it always seems to be a bit brighter on the other side, yep...the other side, wherever that is. It's definitely farther away than it looks! I hear the grass is greener over there. Wisdom is the finesse we all need to feel, love and care more than we actually do. It's a light that eclipses the dark. But, when we don't grow, we don't detect that divine light from within ourselves. It's as though our internal sunshine is much too dim for us to even notice, a seraphic and inner dawn doesn't prevail. We're left feeling empty and lost, and lightening ultimately crashes. That inherent storm that inwardly awaits us sweeps through with fiery and agitated winds blowing us this way and that way as we gradually grow more and more familiar with detecting our pain and less and less familiar with our virtue, our internal sunshine. Our mind is not spotless. We disregard conviction and honor, and so our heartache is illuminated as we attempt to move along in life while dwelling in our psyche, not in our soul. We're a mental world. And so it goes without saying, our suffering prevails, not our goodness. This is why we hurt each other. Pain, pain, pain makes the world go round. It's become effortlessly fatigued from dire exhaustion and over-usage by mankind too, grief. Hopefully, if anything, pain will at least inspire us to live beyond our spiritual infancy, and to hop from out of the crib and into a world of evolving resolutions, a world of heart and soul; a world of happiness. My yoga teacher opened her class with these calming words the other day:
"Your success is measured by how happy you are, not by how much money you have."
I believe we were born to be happy, as children and as adults. The rest of the mess is just fill-in-the blank detail, detail that composes all our favorite sad songs and all the stories of our lives. Though, my heart does go out to the actual children, men and woman out there who are severely hurting--helpless, homeless, disease, starving, dying...These maladies are a true and undeniable misfortune, one I pray heals universally, starting with me and you. We take so much for granted, and that's the real killer in all of us. There's a multitude of angry and spiritually powerless people out there whom have surpassed the age of "three" exceedingly, I might add, who don't even realize how lucky they are just to have their health, let alone someone who loves them dearly. We forget all too often what it is that matters most; love, health, appreciation, a home, a friend. Some of us are pissed off forever and for no reputable reason at all. And on that note, some of us never change. We're mad, we barely live our lives, we're horrified by our own shadow...and then we die. Then, there are some of us who do change. With some sort of divine, internal and spiritual progression we transform into conscious, soulful people who occupy a more spacious and open heart. It's a beautiful thing too, an open heart. It's the one thing in need of a lot more admiration. The admirable, changing person becomes fearless, as well as daring and bold because he or she realizes that there's nothing left to lose anymore, because he or she has lost everything already, and he or she knows it could have been a lot worse. To me, that incomprehensible pain, that pain we hate, the one that runs considerably deep, is the best thing that ever happened to us. If it didn't kill us, it probably did make us stronger, or hopefully it will one day. And in a way, heartache does kill us...over and over again. We all die emotionally more than once or twice, and one day we'll die physically, so why not live while we're alive by learning to live again? That's courage, and to live courageously no matter what, is to live forever. It's to leave behind the gifts you shared with the world; the gift of love and merit exuded by you through your eternal devotion to this painful world that violently breaks your spirit every single day. If you can heal anyways and love anyways, no matter how much it hurts you, you're changing for the better and you will be remembered by someone. You opened your eyes and you opened your heart again and again...and again and again and again, and that's a reason to live. To always be remembered by someone, that's the only life worth living. And for that, we have each other to thank.
Find a reason to be remembered....and be thankful for that.