Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn
Monroe

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

live free spider



When I'm upside down, 
I don't see the earth...I see the sky. 
And I remember that there are no limits.


My limits are fathered by my hesitations. The two are the same actually. And speaking of fathers, my own father fumbles in his unwillingness to whirl with this thing called "daughter". So, I am a woman who feels father-less for the most part, and even mother-less for the most part too. But I'm no victim to a juicy sob story. I'm grateful for it. It makes me who I am, and I'm no perfect world tucked into flesh and bones. I have just as many issues as the next weirdo. I just don't dwell on my issues, and when I do, I fucking hate life. So, it's better not to dwell. I strive to fry as many bigger fish as possible, although sometimes I catch myself fishing in a pretty small pond and I realize I need an ocean. Again, I've limited myself and it's defeating when unrecognized and/or denied. Oh, but I recognize it. I denied it for many years, but not anymore.

I caught her (me) red handed. Like a small and helpless little bug, I caught myself in my very own web of lies. I became my worst enemy - a spider. I hate spiders. I've started to notice my clever ways of spinning my webs too.

The creative lacework begins to twirl as I start to give my power away to a situation or to a person YET AGAIN. Rather than staying powerful and defying the circumstance via use of my innate power, I step down from my higher self and abdicate the only thing that's truly mine; my self-worth and my dignity. And that's exactly how I shackle myself to this shitty thing called unhappiness, and I fall victim to my own reticence. It only took me about 26 years to realize that. Moral to the story: I don't want to give my power away any more. Nobody's worth the loss it entails. I lose everything that matters most when I sacrifice my value, my purpose, and my integrity to an asshole and/or an asshole environment. And there is such a thing as a plain 'ol asshole. I don't care how spiritual you are.

And I'm an advocate for love and compassion. I believe that love is the answer, absolutely, so I'll give my love away, but not my power. The two are not the same.

Love is power when the power is still yours to love.

Now back to my point from earlier. Everyone's pretty screwed up for the most part, unless you're a saint, and you're probably not, and I don't know any saints. So, we've all got issues. So, mom or dad, ex, Joe, or Schmoe...I take it with a grain of salt. (On most days.) I have my off days. I will admit, movies like The English Patient and Father of the Bride or anything or anyone else promoting steamy, passionate love or a father's love for his daughter does draw tears to my eyes. But hey, I'm only human sometimes and sometimes I just want to cry and boohoo over my daddy issues and/or all my traumatically failed relationships. Fortunately those emotional downfalls are short-lived and few and far between. And fortunately I've moved on too! (For the most part) You never really forget the ones you loved, but life does go on...when you stop to notice.

And I've noticed that I really just want to laugh. I'd rather laugh than cry on any day. Crying is too depressing, though it can be very healing and cleansing at times, it's just so damn heavy. I want to lighten up! So, dear Life of mine, please make me laugh at the stupid shit that brings me down. Please help me to see things differently. I think that'll make me free-er. And speaking of freedom, there is none to be had when hesitating because reluctance is the by-product of fear, and FEAR is all in the mind. And the mind...well that's wheels within wheels. The mind is one big difficulty interlaced with something convoluted. It struggles to outweigh our emotions with too much thought causing us to abandon our hearts and souls like orphaned children. So, our True Self is an orphan. She sings like little Annie. "Tomorrow, tomorrow... I'll love you tomorrow."

We'll love our self tomorrow. We'll love someone else tomorrow. We'll love our life tomorrow. We'll get to it tomorrow. As for today, we'll get nowhere. Today we'll find something to cry over, or an excuse or a person to hide behind. Today we'll find a reason to be lost, unfulfilled, and confused until we parent ourselves back to our true self, back to our soul and our true purpose in this life. Once an orphan, now you're a soldier of love! You're a fountainhead designing your destiny. But, you have to give yourself a home first, because home is where your heart is, and only you can find that place within.

So, it's not about our mother and/or our father, and what they did (or) didn't do, or couldn't do. It's not about the one who "got away" either, or the one who broke our heart. It's not about the mind because our mind too often tells us a lie. It's about the truth. And the truth is: Where we go from here is a mystery. So, appreciate your life. LIVE YOUR LIFE. LIVE YOUR DREAMS, whatever your dreams may be. 

Because if all life is truly just a stage, then life is not a cage. So, don't imprison yourself. Don't limit yourself.  Just dance and sing, or just smile and live FREE...spider.


Upside down. Inside out. Do what makes you free.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Anything that's everything.

If there's anything that's everything, it's our instincts.

Instincts are everything. When we're being lead by our instincts, it's not so much an intellectual idea, but more so just a visceral and trusting gut feeling. It's when we stop questioning everything and everyone, and angst and fear are not huge issues for us anymore. And if they are, they subside soon than later. And life goes on.

But...if our first thought stems from logic, on the other hand, or intellect, or our pained-past (or) our "fishy" future, or even a hunger for perfection (according to our human definition), or a propensity for self-gain and/or sabotage, then our ideas and beliefs propel more from our heads, LESS from our instincts. Then the migraine kicks in...and then the anxiety. Yada yada.

I felt inspired to share after watching a cool video this morning on instincts vs. thoughts and ideas.

Peace.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Make me.


Me.

Don't give me. MAKE me. 

Even if you have to break me. Make me what I have to be in order to live this life to the fullest. Break me again if you have to. Just don't give me. Don't give me excuses. Don't give me a reason. Just make me do it. Don't give me potential. Don't give me time. Make me powerful...Right Now. Make me magical in this very moment. Don't give me peace. Make me fight for peace. And make me peaceful. Don't give me hope. Make me Trust, and make me trusting. Make me a warrior in my solitude. Make me take nothing for granted. Make me take nothing from anyone. Make me. Break me if you have to. Just don't give me. Don't give me anything. Instead, make me Everything. Then make me OWN it. That way nothing can take it from me. Please, and thank you.

~Me, making a few small requests this morning amidst a lovely chat with my heart. She's a good friend of mine. (Usually.)

Monday, January 13, 2014

Less is more.

Don't think less of yourself. Just think of yourself...less. 
C.S. Lewis said something like that. It's indispensable, earth shattering advice. I also think it's a prescription for our well being, especially for those who are extremely sensitive like myself. I can be sensitive to a fault - insecurity kicks in and I'm totally defeated. Pause. Rewind. That didn't work. Start over. Not to say that 'sensitivity' is a bad thing. It's a beautiful thing, but being easily affected by everything and/or everyone has its repercussions. Regret is one of them. Anger is another. So, balance and a sense of self and self worth are significant. Confidence is the word. Compassion is the other word, and so is 'Patience'. (Which I need more of) Once you have those things, you can focus on others and think of yourself...less. Step out of your shoes and step into their shoes. Or, don't wear any shoes. Says the yogi. Just breath. Just be. And smile cause you're still alive. And that's good enough, when you really think about it. 

Namaste.

Friday, January 3, 2014

plenty




"Dear Human: You’ve got it all wrong. 

You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty.”

~ Courtney A. Walsh


Thank you Courtney. Love love what you say and how you think. Brilliant! Love doesn't require the condition of perfection. Just show up! Just love. Leave all the conditions and un-conditions at the door, 'cause in a room filled with love... anything can happen. ANYTHING. The lights could go off. The lights could stay on. One candle might burn and you could be the only one in there. Alone you are. Where the hell did everyone go??? Hello? The room is quite or the room is loud. Music might play while the whole world surrounds you. Alone you are not. Hello crowd! Now where are the ones I love? Who are all these people? Do they love me? They must. In a room filled with love, anything can happen and anyone can show up. So, just do your best while you're in there. If it hurts...let it hurt and then do your best to let it GO. And when you leave that room once filled with love, find another room...and fill it with love. No matter who's in there. 

Then let it be. Let it flow. Set it free. Let it go. And let love do what it does. Happy NEW YEAR to you. May this new era fill all your rooms and all your spaces, all your thoughts, and all your traces with love, peace, fortune, health and forgiveness.** 

It's January 3rd, day three of the new calendar dawn. I was thinking about something today, actually I was thinking about multiple things today - hundreds of things to be exact. I was thinking. Not only do I, too, believe that love is plenty, as worded above beautifully by Courtney Walsh, I also believe that love resolves everything - our inner conflicts, our impudence. Our anger if you will. Call me a hippy, or call me redundant. I know it's been said before, but it can't be said enough! Love resolves EVERYTHING! But there's caveat. Love resolves everything, but only on the inside. Sadly, the L-word (Love, not the drama series) has yet to resolve everything on the outside. Thus, mother earth is weeping and so are a lot of broken, sick and lonely people out there. But, there's hope! When we know how insanely powerful we are, when we realize our innate capacity to create and destroy, then there's hope.

You see....hope is often a child. She relies on us completely, as though we're all a mother...even if we're not. Hope takes us by the hand and smiles as she glances up, for she has made us taller - more insightful, more self-aware. We look down...and we see the sky. 

We look down and see a sky of hope.  

And while nestled in the blue, we see the white and bright light as we realize our power to CREATE. And then we fully understand our power to DESTROY. And we shy away from neither. Rather, we embrace these two innate and essential natures because they're ours...for the taking. These are our internal ingredients for our life. Create or Destroy? That is the question. And those are our options.


Love is tucked somewhere in between.

We can create opportunities and we can create the life we REALLY want for ourself. Or, we can create chaos and a life we don't want. And when we do, we can destroy it. We can destroy what destroys us...even if we created it. 

Thus, we blame no one for our chaos, we're responsible for our actions, and we're in control of our lives. 


Mix that with love, and you've got plenty.


Love, Light, Peace and Newness to you.
~Anne-Marie Pauley


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

my revolution



"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself."


A memento yes, but a fact? Of course! But I can hear it now; "No no...that's not entirely true. I judge that person because they're hurtful. They hurt me! That doesn't define me. It defines them." Or, "How is this possible? If I feel opposed by someone's misdeed, then how does that define ME? I'm opposed! Therefore I am defining THEM, I am not defining me"

Oh how a good argument (with myself) can make the world go round and round. My world goes round and round like a hula hoop. It's as though my life depends on me entirely, like a child - like a needy, beautiful, nagging little kid. Life is demanding and loud. I have to jolt my mind and spirit hips all day long just to keep my head above the muddy water! If I stop, so does my world. Sometimes I stop on purpose. I stop and do nothing and it's incredible. It's so restoring. When my world stops spinning, I realize I truly am a creator. And this magnificence; this grace, this God-given trait is what empowers me and grants me trust when I need it the most. I embrace the infinite creator within me with courage, not hesitation. Not anymore. Those days are long gone. But my days of judging are not. This is where I stumble. This is where I crawl.

Back to the memento: "When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself."

"No, no no no. That's just not true." And poof! That was me in the spot light losing my religion. 

My cleverly subtle, but firm disclaims ring loud in my head! Squawking like sirens, I'm deafened by my own defense. I need an ambulance for my self-pride. She's having an anxiety attack, but she thinks it's a stroke because she's dramatic. I have a lot of pride. It's not a blessing, but it is a curse. It's a curse because I know my pride is feeble and disillusioned, and though she often means well, she only does harm in a spiritual sense. Dignity is one thing, but self-glorification is another. My self-glory shoots off mouth. She's crass and even vulgar (at times). When my ego trips she falls, and she falls hard. 

Then there's that part of me that knows this to be true: when you judge another...you define yourself. Yes, of course! I learned that years ago! Wait, no I didn't. I learned that today. I learned it all over again. Sigh... You see, this is something that we may or may not learn, and if we do learn it, we'll forget it. And then we'll learn it again because we'll read it on Facebook or Twitter, then we'll forget it again. Then the world will use our amnesia to go round and round! 

It really just depends on how open we are to that whole "letting go" thingy ma-jigger. I personally don't think anybody will understand this memento, or better yet this 'doctrine', if they them self are not willing to surrender at some point. At least a little. Baby steps count too. And by "surrender" I mean you have to be open to shifting your perception - a change of mind, or a change of heart needs to commence in some way or another. Some people suffer from heart-aches more then head-aches, so it's a subjective conversation to say the very least. Again, baby steps count. Figuring out whether your head hurts more than your heart (or) vice versa is a good launching pad for self-discovery. Though it does take longer when infantile conditions are applied. But regardless, you're still getting ahead with baby steps! 

Back to the memento again: "When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself." 

It's what all the great masters and gurus have said over the course of many centuries that have come to pass. And I totally agree! 

And then I don't. Now back to that part of me that says, "Uh hmmm (Clearing my throat). I beg to differ!" This is the part of me, or THE OTHER ME, that I believe I was born to understand. No, that's not the word I'm looking for. To distinguish. No. To accept?  No, that's still not it. To learn from?  Yes, but still no. I sense that I'm getting closer though. Oh, I got it! 

This is the part of me, or THE OTHER ME,  that I believe I was born...to revolutionize!

And how do I revolutionize the part of me that I do not fully understand? Shall I take baby steps? Yes I shall. My baby steps often look like questions. How do I distinguish the life inside of me that I have yet to fully accept? How do I learn from what cannot teach me, because I will not let it because I do not understand it? And what is it called? Do I call it me?

Some call it the ego. Some call it blindness. Christians call it sin. I associate THE OTHER ME with karma more than anything. That jives with me, but even fate and fortune both can fabricate a plentitude of variables, variables that have often plundered my faith and trust. Twists of fate can cause damage if we're not careful of what we wish for. Some call it a mistake - to lose sight, to argue with the TRUTH,  to rebel against mercy, to hurt someone, to be hurt, to lose everything. Is it a mistake though? If I am who I am because of my journey and all that came (and went) expectedly and unexpectedly, then was any of it really a mistake??

I'll never call it a mistake. Nothing about me or my sacred journey through life is a mistake. Not even THE OTHER ME is a mistake. Whoever she is, she's beautiful too. She just doesn't know it yet. 

It's not called a mistake. It's not called a sin. It's called life. 

Well, at least it is in my world.

I am life. And, I am love. I'm even pain and fear, and that's what makes me beautiful. Shadows are created by light. Without my shadows there would be nothing to revolutionize. And that's my revolution. 


I am what I am. The rest is history.


Friday, October 4, 2013

the rest is magic





Patience is not what happens when we force ourselves to wait on something or someone. Patience is what happens when we redirect our attention. When we focus on something we CAN control, rather than something we CANNOT control...we allow things to be as they are, without fighting with it. And that's when everything starts to fall into place...like magic.

Magic is what happens when we don't force it to happen.

And anxiety is what happens when we do. I've suffered from this infamous and unnerving ailment for years and years, and impatience is what has caused it! Anxiety sucks. 

Impatience has been an astute and very cunning friend of mine since childhood. Today, we still stay in touch, but I try to keep my distance as I am focused on spending more quality time with patient me now. Conscious me.


Patient me + Conscious me = A Better me.   


Looking back, way back...I think my attention span was dwarfed at birth, and so were my tolerance levels. Though, I hear I was a very calm baby. Okay, so maybe my lesser than finer qualities kicked in  during my early youth. I've changed over the course of 30 years, but I'll be honest as always, sometimes I short circuit. Sometimes I lose my head. I've even pushed people away, ALL THE WAY, because I was in such a hurry to get what I wanted. In the end, I got what I didn't want. I got grief, frustration, heartache, and a headache. I got more pain. Not more peace.

Impatience causes pain.

A collective mind has characterized 'beauty' and 'intelligence' as being both a blessing and a curse.  That I can understand, and I agree. But my mind says impatience is just a curse. Though, not everything that causes pain is a curse. More often than not, it's the very opposite. But impatience really isn't much of a blessing. Not when you take a closer look.

A closer look:

Sure, it's been a strong right arm for me at times, and probably for most of us. I've gotten a lot of shit done, BIG shit, in the name of impatience. I've experienced that coveted and vast sense of accomplishment and appease too - success and satisfaction! But, I've also been acclimated and hardened by that undesirable, vast sense of irritability, restlessness, snappy-ness, nervousness, exhaustion, and stress, and all amidst those deliciously vast feelings of 'excellence' and 'achievement'. Thus, it's not excellent and I've achieved one gigantic migraine. I'm not satisfied either.

To me, inner-peace is where it's at. THAT'S the most magnificent accomplishment, not vocation and/or world-ly achievement and status, though both are important to a certain degree. INNER-PEACE is what truly makes us. Without it, it breaks us. INNER PEACE is the greatest attainment and blessing there is to be had, and it doesn't come with a migraine.  But, impatience does!

Relieve your headache (or) heartache by surrendering in the name of patience, and know your inner-peace. Know a better you. A happier you. A healthier you.

But don't wait for it to happen. Patience is not what happens when we force ourselves to wait on something or someone. Don't wait for someone to love you. Don't wait for tomorrow. Wait on nothing, redirect your focus, and just be... patient. Now.

Allow.


And the rest is magic.


"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity."

-Carl Jung