Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

live free spider

When I'm upside down, 
I don't see the earth...I see the sky. 
And I remember that there are no limits.

My limits are fathered by my hesitations. The two are the same actually. And speaking of fathers, my own father fumbles in his unwillingness to whirl with this thing called "daughter". So, I am a woman who feels father-less for the most part, and even mother-less for the most part too. But I'm no victim to a juicy sob story. I'm grateful for it. It makes me who I am, and I'm no perfect world tucked into flesh and bones. I have just as many issues as the next weirdo. I just don't dwell on my issues, and when I do, I fucking hate life. So, it's better not to dwell. I strive to fry as many bigger fish as possible, although sometimes I catch myself fishing in a pretty small pond and I realize I need an ocean. Again, I've limited myself and it's defeating when unrecognized and/or denied. Oh, but I recognize it. I denied it for many years, but not anymore.

I caught her (me) red handed. Like a small and helpless little bug, I caught myself in my very own web of lies. I became my worst enemy - a spider. I hate spiders. I've started to notice my clever ways of spinning my webs too.

The creative lacework begins to twirl as I start to give my power away to a situation or to a person YET AGAIN. Rather than staying powerful and defying the circumstance via use of my innate power, I step down from my higher self and abdicate the only thing that's truly mine; my self-worth and my dignity. And that's exactly how I shackle myself to this shitty thing called unhappiness, and I fall victim to my own reticence. It only took me about 26 years to realize that. Moral to the story: I don't want to give my power away anymore. Nobody's worth the loss it entails. I lose everything that matters most when I sacrifice my value, my purpose, and my integrity to an asshole and/or an asshole environment. And there is such a thing as a plain 'ol asshole. I don't care how spiritual you are.

And I'm an advocate for love and compassion. I believe that love is the answer, absolutely, so I'll give my love away, but not my power. The two are not the same.

Love is power when the power is still yours to love.

Now back to my point from earlier. Everyone's pretty screwed up for the most part, unless you're a saint, and you're probably not, and I don't know any saints. So, we've all got issues. So, mom or dad, ex, Joe, or Schmoe...I take it with a grain of salt. (On most days.) I have my off days. I will admit, movies like The English Patient and Father of the Bride or anything or anyone else promoting steamy, passionate love or a father's love for his daughter does draw tears to my eyes. But hey, I'm only human sometimes and sometimes I just want to cry and boohoo over my daddy issues and/or all my traumatically failed relationships. Fortunately those emotional downfalls are short-lived and few and far between. And fortunately I've moved on too! (For the most part) You never really forget the ones you loved, but life does go on...when you stop to notice.

And I've noticed that I really just want to laugh. I'd rather laugh than cry on any day. Crying is too depressing, though it can be very healing and cleansing at times, it's just so damn heavy. I want to lighten up! So, dear Life of mine, please make me laugh at the stupid shit that brings me down. Please help me to see things differently. I think that'll make me free-er. And speaking of freedom, there is none to be had when hesitating because reluctance is the by-product of fear, and FEAR is all in the mind. And the mind...well that's wheels within wheels. The mind is one big difficulty interlaced with something convoluted. It struggles to outweigh our emotions with too much thought causing us to abandon our hearts and souls like orphaned children. So, our True Self is an orphan. She sings like little Annie. "Tomorrow, tomorrow... I'll love you tomorrow."

We'll love our self tomorrow. We'll love someone else tomorrow. We'll love our life tomorrow. We'll get to it tomorrow. As for today, we'll get nowhere. Today we'll find something to cry over, or an excuse or a person to hide behind. Today we'll find a reason to be lost, unfulfilled, and confused until we parent ourselves back to our true self, back to our soul and our true purpose in this life. Once an orphan, now you're a soldier of love! You're a fountainhead designing your destiny. But, you have to give yourself a home first, because home is where your heart is, and only you can find that place within.

So, it's not about our mother and/or our father, and what they did (or) didn't do, or couldn't do. It's not about the one who "got away" either, or the one who broke our heart. It's not about the mind because our mind too often tells us a lie. It's about the truth. And the truth is: Where we go from here is a mystery. So, appreciate your life. LIVE YOUR LIFE. LIVE YOUR DREAMS, whatever your dreams may be. 

Because if all life is truly just a stage, then life is not a cage. So, don't imprison yourself. Don't limit yourself.  Just dance and sing, or just smile and live FREE...spider.

Upside down. Inside out. Do what makes you free.

1 comment:

  1. Good morning AM:

    I don't know if anyone comments to you here. I stumbled somehow into your blog. My apologies actually for the intrusion. I just read this latest installment and it brought my eyes. On the one hand, your videos are full of wit and a sense of abandoned freedom in expression. On the other, your writings are raw