the road ahead

When we move, we pack all our heavy boxes and we wrap all our fragile belongings in newspaper. We repaint the walls and we begin to detach from a place we once called our home. Detaching becomes so natural when we know we're moving somewhere new. We just withdraw, and we do it without giving it much thought too. We just detach. There simply are no more attachments. Well, there may be a few, but we handle them the way we handle them, then we call the U-haul and we move on out.

This is moving, in it's most typical sense. We've all done it. I've moved at least one hundred times. Relocating has actually become somewhat of a lifestyle for me. For some odd reason the tiresome traits that give moving such an unattractive appeal actually captivate me. I feel motivated by the inclination to pack up and go. It excites me. So yes, moving has become pretty typical for me because I personally need lots of excitement, but what's not typical, and what I wish I could see more of in myself and in others is the desire to break the barriers of "typical" and move on for a change. I can move all day long for the rest of my life and get nowhere. Our destiny completely relies on our ability and our willingness to move on. Without our destiny, we have no purpose and no road to travel.

Years ago, a girl friend said this to me... "Where ever you go, there you are." 

 She made this somewhat elusive statement immediately after I had expressed to her my possible desire and concern to move, to relocate and to actually leave Los Angeles. Though I didn't want to leave this city I love, I was having a hard time accepting where I was internally and I felt the need to flee. Los Angeles was reminding me of my unsettled pain and the people who helped induce it, and I was barely finding the strength to let it go, so I thought maybe a move would set me free, free from me. Though such solution for me was just another runaway tactic. A runaway train I was, going the wrong way on a one way track. I wasn't completely sure as to who I was then, so I lacked the confidence and the courage I needed to face myself and get a hold of myself. Thus, I was craving a quick move as a means of escaping myself, rather than moving within myself. And for me, running away never translated to "letting go", and therein hung my safety net.

Going within means finding out who you are. Running away means never knowing. Finding out who you are means knowing what you want. Running away means never knowing. Knowing what you want means letting go of what you don't want. Running away means never knowing. Letting go means everything changes, and it starts from within. Running away means everything stays the same. Nothing gets resolved. Hearts don't mend. Changing from within takes wisdom. Running away takes impulse. Wisdom takes a lot of long conversations with God. Long conversations with God takes time.

I needed time and I needed wisdom. It was my only hope if I was ever gonna truly move....on.

So, I moved. This time I moved closer to the truth. I moved inwardly and I finally found my home, though I have yet to fully unpack, even to this day. There are heavy, metaphorical moving boxes everywhere. The place is a mess. I brought a lot of stuff with me on this move within, and now I have to look at all of it, at all my crap. I've observed and even tried lifting these heavy metaphor moving vessels filled to the brim with agitated memories and unresolved relationships. I've got "boxes" filled with deep seeded pain and the fear of failing too. These are all the burdens I've packed up and carried with me from home to home and city to city, and for years and years. Thus, I have yet to unpack my sh**. I'm tempted to just throw it all out, all the garbage I carry inside of me. It's got to go. Why hold on to it? Why hold onto hurt feelings, disruptive thoughts, and old emotions that have followed me around like a puppy dog for the past 29 years? And, I've kept feeding the puppy. I've kept loving it too.

I moved within and I saw everything. I saw the dog. I saw my issues piled mile high. I also saw my beauty, and I could only see that from the inside. I felt like crying 'cause it hurt so much, and yet it felt so good.

A powerful relationship with myself is the most rewarding relationship. It's exciting and stimulating. I look forward to my progress each and every day, but it's also scary because every day is another new beginning and anything can happen, and it does, and it doesn't always feel good. It can hurt like hell actually. Life is not filled with rainbows and butterflies, nor is it fully occupied by people who chose love when the going gets tough. People hurt people. Plain and simple, and these are the moments when I'm tempted to quickly move OUT! I feel strongly inclined to repaint all my "walls" and move out of my home within, where I'm at peace. And, amid my relocation from my spirit into a very wounding circumstance, I bring with me all my heavy burden "boxes". It's in these breaking moments when kindness is at an all time low that I move out of my heart and into my head where I can think myself into an angry defense and a safe refuge, and I do it as quickly as possible by means of escaping any and all potential and unwanted hurt. Thus, another heavy burden box has just been packed and I'm ready to run. But, that's not the answer.

Running away is not the solution. Getting angry isn't either, but it's just so easy to get mad or depressed when everything gets hard, when people get mean. It's a piece of cake actually, to do and say anything we want and then runaway, even if it hurts someone else. It's child's play and it completely lacks responsibility, for such integrity would be an inconvenience to our needs and safety. But, we lose in the end. We lose our way back home...where the heart is. So we live outside where the weather is cold.

It's so important that we maintain our home within when we finally do move in....ward.

Like they say...home is where the heart is, and our heart beats inside of us. The journey to the heart is a long and even very lonely road at times, but it's the road ahead...and it's the way home.

Everything else is just a stop along the way.

Peace & Love.

Anne-Marie